Let me just say....GOD IS SO GOOD! Not only is he good in our triumphant times, but He is so very faithful to carry us through the pressing times as well. I can't say that I've really been in either place these last few months. I feel like we've been at a lull. Nothing super triumphant, but nothing devestating either. Just....coasting, I guess.
A week and a half ago, my pastor called me and asked me to take on the position of the children's ministry director for our rapidly growing church. After five minutes of "thinking" about it, I wanted to call him back and say yes! I have a habit of taking things on before giving them over in prayer. But I resisted that urge and told myself I would let it sink in and pray. The very first moment I prayed about taking this position, God clearly told me I could not take the job if I didn't set a certain thing straight with Him.
I've been struggling with one particular issue over the last few months, knowing that God was calling me away from it. But I just couldn't pull myself away. As I was wrestling with this, I went on an all girls weekend with all the ladies on my mom's side of the family. Though we didn't get into but one spiritual conversation, I came away from the retreat with a LOT on my mind. It took me days to work through everything that was swimming in my head.
The first conclusion I came to was that I now have a clearer vision of who I want to be and who I do not want to be. I am very open about being a Christian when asked. But do I always show that I am a Christian through my actions? I know in my heart that I love my Jesus. But, again, do I show that I love my Jesus through my actions? Not only did I become aware of what my actions might be out in public, but moreso what my actions are in private. It is easy to "act" like a Christian out in public view. But who I am in the privacy of my own home is the real me. So I was pressed to take a long, hard look at the things that I do in my daily life when nobody's watching. I found several things that I need to change...but one thing in particular that God was telling me to walk completely away from.
Throughout the week, as I completed various tasks and errands, I kept having to push myself to finish. I was getting frustrated and telling myself I didn't have any self-control. Over and over again I told myself that. Then, yesterday, as I was putting my grocery cart away at Sam's Club, I was again having that little discussion in my head about needing to have self-control. And clear as a bell, God said, 'You keep saying self-control, but it's self-discipline that you need. The two are different. You need self-discipline.' Huh... Now I realize that may not make any sense to you. But it spoke volumes to me. How can I have self-control? I am by no means in control of anything. I may think I have full control of myself, my children, my life, etc. Yes, God created me with a free will. I make my own choices which can put me in good or bad situations. But ultimately, God is in control. So I do not want to have self-control. What I am lacking is self-discipline. I have got to have the self-discipline to follow through. That pretty much sums up the struggle I have had all week with this particular issue. I need to follow through.
So after this small revelation, , I was able to confront head-on the thing that I've been struggling with the most over the last two months, and follow through with a godly decision. And all of the fretting I did for a week over this situation is completely wiped out by unspeakable joy that I am now holding my Savior's hand as He leads me onto a new path. And I was able to confidently tell my pastor this morning that I would love to take the position, knowing that it is now blessed by God, and not done in vain.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
